Broken

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broken heart BrokenI don’t know if he is oblivious to my pain or if he is just afraid to go there (conversation). Some times I am so frustrated. So alone. So scared of a future where everything is so broken and dark and scary.

I decided last night that I need a break from Candy Crush. It was making me tense, raising my blood pressure, and I was near (literal) tears when it told me I had failed. Again.

Josiah and I watched Safe Haven last night. Really good movie. I won’t give away the story line but there was some background tension. I felt it in my neck through the whole movie and I was physically shaking afterwards. I think I am living on the edge too much of the time and it takes little or nothing to push me over.

I woke up during the night last night have some weird “headaches.” It was like I could see, hear, and feel lightning sizzling in my brain. Never had one of those before.  Halfway expected to wake up dead this morning.

Sorry … just having a broken day …

Biting My Tongue

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biting my tongue

I picked Erica up and we headed off to get her registered for the Sober Living House. I don't think she stopped talking the whole time we were in the car. I did a LOT of biting my tongue! First she was telling me about a recent conversation with her parole officer in which that woman told her that some time in prison might be what she needed since she seems to believe that the rules are for everyone else and don't apply to Erica. I bit my tongue and raised an eyebrow as she continued, "I told … [Continue]

Justice and Mercy

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justice and mercy

My husband and I have grown weary of our adult daughter calling ONLY when she needs something. And to be honest ... I guess I blame her for at least part of the stress that we have been through in the past couple of years. Having your child make such destructive choices makes you question who you are as a person and what you did as a parent. We know that she is responsible for her own choices. But some times the inner voices taunt us and tell us that it's our fault. Several months ago her … [Continue]

Bad Habits

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bad habits

I have sat down to this empty text box several times this week. Just can't seem to find words ... or energy. I have allowed myself to slip back into a few bad habits, or out of good ones, and I need to find a way to change that. I came home from church, and lunch with friends, on Sunday and changed into shorts and a t-shirt. I was still wearing them this morning when I FORCED myself to go take a shower. Such is life with depression (some times). Too much work to change into pajamas, bathe, put … [Continue]

But I Wanted a Dyson

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eureka

A few years ago we needed to buy a new vacuum cleaner. I, always looking for the most efficient way to do my work (more time to blog), wanted a Dyson. Hubby, with an eye on the budget, picked up a Eureka, at Sam's, for $69.95. He thought it "looked like a Dyson." The first time I used it, it did a pretty good job. But I still wanted my Dyson and I grew increasingly frustrated with this machine's full dirt cup, filthy air filter, and progressively less effective suction. This past Saturday I … [Continue]

Mother’s Day and Infertility

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God-never-promises-to

I waged a war against infertility throughout my 20s. Accepted that God had a right to plan a different life for me, when I was 30, and had my one and only baby 3 days before my 31st birthday. I wrote about that journey, here, on Natasha's blog. Today I want to share with you another story on the same topic. I'm not sure anyone, who hasn't been there, can imagine what it is like to face infertility ... for a full decade ... while all of your friends and siblings have baby after baby. What it … [Continue]

Mother’s Day

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families are like quilts

There is a huge quilt show, in Kansas, every year that starts Mother's Day weekend and runs through the following week. My sister-in-law, from Pennsylvania, is a quilter and is on the Board of Directors so she and her husband spend every Mother's Day weekend in Kansas. Kansas is closer than Pennsylvania and my husband loves his sister so he too spends every Mother's Day weekend in Kansas. I think I hate Kansas! I have asked, several times, if I can please go. For 5 years it wasn't possible … [Continue]

Are You Wondering How You Got Here?

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confusion-new

I sat down with Brandi Jeter, of Collective Bias and Mama Knows It All, for a blog critique. I wrote about that here. I'll wait if you want to go read it real quick. {Cue Jeopardy Music ...} After I decided to follow Brandi's advice, focus on this blog, and put the other one on hiatus, I set about trying to move my followers from there to here. I knew, from previous experience, that I could ask you to slide on over and some of you would do it. But others are, like me, procrastinators, and you … [Continue]

This Is Me

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My Story

I'll write more about SoFabCon in days to come but for today I am inspired to write a post motivated by the closing keynote. Jasmine Banks, of Just Jasmine, planned and coordinated much of SoFabCon (while taking grad school finals ... the woman is a beast) and discovered last minute that the speaker scheduled for the closing keynote (J.C. Little of The Animated Woman) was not allowed to cross the Canadian border. Since transporting 300 bloggers from Arkansas to Canada was not an option ... … [Continue]

SoFabCon Begins

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Crystal Bridges

I spent this past weekend in Rogers, Arkansas, at SoFabCon. It was totally divine intervention that got me there because I hadn't even heard of Collective Bias or Social Fabric a month ago! I won a ticket to the conference, and a gift card that would pay for my room, and then found a couple of girls willing to share their room. Rachel, of Bubbly Nature Creations, put up with my allergy induced snoring, and Natalie, of Great Contradictions, slept on the hide-a-bed so I could have the real bed. … [Continue]

Perfect Storm

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the perfect storm

I haven't been completely honest with you. Or with myself for that matter. I wanted to believe we were getting better. I knew things weren't perfect but shoot ... who has perfect? (I've heard that perfect is boring. I think I'd like to check that out for myself!) Things have happened over the past week that have shattered any illusions of healing that I was holding on to and I have been forced to acknowledge that my marriage is still very badly broken. I think that we have been hit by the … [Continue]

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