I’ve been reading Brene Brown’s new book, Daring Greatly. It’s about shame, shame resilience, courage, and vulnerability. I have experienced dozens of aha moments in just the first few chapters. Moments of realizing that I am not unique in my insecurities. Moments of recognizing why I think, and feel, and respond, the ways that I do. And … more painfully … moments where I recognize ways in which I have heaped shame upon others. On those I love most. I think, in all honesty, that even not knowing WHY or HOW, my words, attitudes and actions were wrong, I sensed that they were. That I was being unfair or unkind. I believe that God gives us those cues. Even when we don’t understand why. A little tickle in our spirit that warns us. But I didn’t always listen. And so I have regrets. Things I wish I could unsay, undo …
I shared with you previously that I have been on a journey of discovery and that one of the things I was discovering is that men and women perceive things (actions, attitudes, tone of voice, etc.) very differently. As I was listening to the audiobook, Daring Greatly, tonight, Brene was emphasizing the fact that men are conditioned , from childhood, to feel great shame at any perceived weakness or failure. (It may also be helpful to note that men typically react to shame in one of two ways: rage or retreat.) Two memories instantly slammed into my consciousness. Things I wish I could undo. Neither takes place in a single moment in time. As women, wives, mothers … you may be inclined to excuse what I share here and urge me not to be so hard on myself. I promise … I’m not beating myself up. I just wish I could change the past and thereby change so many things.
The beginning of my story …
Shame
I’m not sure why God is asking me to share this story. I hope that maybe someone, somewhere, can learn from my mistakes and manage to avoid the regrets that I now carry. That would be reason enough for writing this down and hitting publish …
Before 4 years ago
Bert had been in poor health, off and on, for some time … maybe 2 years… seemed like a really long time. Mostly weakness and exhaustion. Just working wore him completely out and he seldom had the energy left for any sort of socialization, going to church, etc. I was scared. He was, and is, self-employed, our sole source of income, and we didn’t have health insurance, so he put off going to the doctor for a long time. As his weakness, exhaustion and pain grew worse he finally went to see a doctor but without expensive tests … diagnosis was a bit of a guessing game. He was treated for gout, ineffectively, so they ruled gout out but didn’t rule anything else in. As his health continued to deteriorate … my worry grew … and I decided that we needed health insurance and the best way to get it was for me to find a job with benefits. So 5 years ago, I went to work full time, and once the insurance was in effect we began to pursue answers to his health problems. That first year he was diagnosed with a form of rheumatoid arthritis and we thought that was the answer. Not an easy fix but at least we knew what was going on … or so we thought.
4 years ago
We went to Branson for our 29th anniversary at the end of September. He was feeling pretty good and we spent the day at Silver Dollar City and then went to Sight & Sound Theater to see NOAH that night. It was an awesome show and we both really enjoyed it although my allergies were kicking up a major fuss by the time it was over. Due to my crowd issues we waited for the majority of the audience to clear out before we headed for the parking lot. He was walking quietly as I jabbered about the show while we walked to my car. Suddenly he passed out beside me. No warning. He had been here one minute and was gone the next. I thought he was dying and I grabbed him, tried to hold him up, and screamed at him not to do this to me! What seemed an eternity but was probably mere moments later … he was back. Weak, exhausted, but back. I wanted to take him to the hospital but he wouldn’t go. So I made him promise to go to the doctor first thing Monday morning. I was scared again!
This is not the major point of this story but I need to pause, and and point out, to myself as well as to you … that my out of control fear was not just a failure to trust God, which I knew, but it also conveyed to my husband that I didn’t trust him, that I thought he was (physically) weak, that I didn’t believe he could take care of us, etc. I believe that it was the right thing for me to go to work and get health insurance at that time. It has been a HUGE blessing! But I did it the wrong way and with the wrong motivation. And I unknowingly shamed my husband in the process!
It’s almost 4:00 A.M. and I am so tired. I haven’t been feeling well or sleeping well. I need to go crawl back into bed and try again. I will share more of this story tomorrow. Thanks for your patience.
Can I please ask you for a couple of quick favors?
I have updated my RSS feed and moved to FeedBlitz. Feedburner offers a 30 day redirect but after that my Feedburner RSS feed will be gone forever and if you haven’t moved with me … I might lose you! I would really hate that! IF you subscribe by Email, I was able to manually move you and you are already taken care of but those of you who subscribe in a reader will need to update my feed. PLEASE click here and subscribe to my new feed. Thank you!
I decided, spur of the moment, to do a Scentsy Giveaway. I would really INFINITELY prefer that the prizes go to regular readers and followers so … please enter! PLEASE! … LOTS of entry options!
I have discovered that my Facebook page is getting abysmally low views due to Facebook’s algorhythyms. I really don’t know how it all works but the simple reality is that the more I can get people to interact with my Facebook Page … the more it will get seen. If, and when, you happen to see a Masterpiece Facebook post, would you please like, comment on, or share it? Any of those help immensely!
Finally … if you have enjoyed this post … please tweet a link to it, like it or share it on Facebook, and / or leave a comment! You are a blessing to me! Thank you!
Buy Daring Greatly from Amazon: 
Twitter: fromtracie
says:
I loved this book so much – it really touched my heart over and over again when I read it.
The beginning of your story is really intriguing to me. Not because it is my story exactly, but in a lot of ways it is, and in some ways it is the story I have almost written for myself (especially the getting a job for insurance so your husband can go to the doctor part, I’ve thought of doing that many times).
Thank you for sharing these pieces of your heart and your life. It is a blessing.
Tracie recently posted..The Third Party Presidential Debate and Political Choice
Thank you, Tracie! Love you!
Beth recently posted..Shame – Things I Wish I Could Undo
I’m confused…I see a lot of people responded to your Scentsy post but you mention only one did. Did you get mine on a different post? It’s not so important that you get mine. I’m just curious. I did enjoy your sharing about shame. I think it helps people who are married and struggling with some of the same issues.
I didn’t realize changes were coming to feedburner. I guess I need to look into it at some point but my time for blogging and reading blogs is quite limited at present. I won’t be changing my feed for your blog right now to be honest because the changes get too confusing for me and on top of that, old feeds I have don’t seem to get deleted from my reader. I will continue to follow you as long as I can link back to your through your profile icon (left by your old or current comments on my blog). I hope that makes some sense to you.
Joyful recently posted..Missing Summer
I wrote this at nearly 4:00 in the morning, with a headache, and just copied that paragraph directly from a Facebook status. I’ve edited it now. Sorry. … And yes, that makes perfect sense. I’m just glad you’re here!
Beth recently posted..Shame – Things I Wish I Could Undo
I added you to my blogroll. That’s the easiest way for me to see when you’ve posted and , at the same time, keep my email inbox from getting (more) out of control than it already is.
Your husband and mine seem to have similar issues. Oh, my goodness. Joint pain. Fatigue. Gout (my husband refuses to take preventive med for it because he is already on several for diff things). And back in the spring, he fainted just like how you described. I was sitting at one end of the sofa, he at the other. He’d been fighting a longterm respiratory thing and had taken Nyquil. He got up to go the bathroom; I was deep in concentration (blogging, probably!). Suddenly, BOOM! I thought he’d crashed into the table and expected to see IT on the floor, but HE was face down on the kitchen floor. Knocked his teeth loose–but thank God he’s got braces . Orthodontist said it was a saving grace for his teeth on impact. I immediately wanted to call 911 but he “came to” and said he wanted to get his teeth checked! So that’s what I did, and we were in the orthodontist chair 1/2 hour later. On the way home I practically begged him to let us stop in at the ER. He said no, he was sure it was the dehydration/lung infection/Nyquil and sip of wine combined that explained the episode. A paramedic friend of mine==a MAN–said I should have taken him to the ER despite his refusal because sudden fainting can be the result of something serious underlying–something wtih the heart. When he passed out and I found blood on his face, I thought he was dead. His mom and brother died a year apart from ruptured aortas, which runs rampant now in the family, we’ve discovered thru genetic testing. So when a man refuses to get medical help, he is deep down scared . It’s not that he doubts there is something wrong, he is afraid there is really something he doesn’t want to know. Because he can’t fix it or contorl usually, or a diagnosis will be a written sign of weakness.
Bert has family history of heart issues too. Pretty scary! He had a TIA again last weekend and we wound up at the hospital from Sunday – Wednesday. Every medical person who came in the room emphasized the fact that we should ALWAYS go straight to the ER when something like that happens because it can be the precursor of a major stroke and if he had one of those recovery would be far more likely with fast medical response.
Beth recently posted..Shame and Intimacy